Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat