Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?