Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic