Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
forgive me baja for i have blast
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both