Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.