Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired