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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
When you’ve simply given up.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
This is enough internet for the day.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .