GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no