Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
what’s the point then??
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.