I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.