[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
You Might Also Like
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
kevin is now a local weatherman
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
This will never not be funny to me.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.