Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.