Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.