[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.