Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?