“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
🔦🌙👣
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
#dalle2
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.