Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You Might Also Like
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂