High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Spring of Deception
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?