How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
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PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.