I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
DOOO EEEET
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger