You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit