My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too