I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.