[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
You Might Also Like
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.