Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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rapatouille
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“Why you watching this shit?”