For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
the best thing i’ve ever made
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)