Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.