My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]