When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.