pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You Might Also Like
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan