The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.