shit just got real
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you