My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Okay