What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)