Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
You Might Also Like
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one