DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.