Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
me hooking up with my ex
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.