[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”