Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Employees must applaud the planets.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Hello Twits.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.