HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will