If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
More like Kate Missington.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Perfect.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Effort made
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause