I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I can’t wait!
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.