Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Dear Lord..
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow