I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Not recommended for beginners.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas