MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?