moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
c’mon!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.