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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?