My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Does your wife know you’re single?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”