It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]