I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
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Doctor:
Me:
D:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.